Archive for Life As I Know It

Numbered nothingness

Because I haven’t gone the route of the bulleted, cop-out post in a while. Or maybe because I am not feeling the mojo that would otherwise allow me to effortlessly weave all of these items into a cohesive post. That, too.

1) I went on a work-related little jaunt to Tennessee yesterday, along with my manager and the visiting manager of another region. This meant ten hours in the car, and about all I accomplished for the day (besides tormenting my boss incessantly … because dude, you gotta entertain yourself somehow) was catching a loose hamster* and discovering that the visiting manager—a tiny, 100 lb Southern belle, complete with the accent and the big hair—will totally bust out a Nelly line with me when it fits the moment. Win.

2) You know you’re tired when you order a “sesame street” bagel from the coffee shop. I blame a sleepy brain and this video, long about 1:45. Because announcing in your best Elmo-voice that “Sesame Street is going to the shitter” is just good times.

3) Speaking (sort of) of annoying celebrities (or not), apparently Kathy Griffith is going to be poisoning SVU with her teeth-grating charm next week. This displeases me greatly. More so even than publicly admitting that I still follow the show. Ahem. Moving on.

4) And question. Should I feel bad for sleepy-raging all over the person dumb enough to stalker-call THE WRONG NUMER (aka mine) at o’dark thirty this morning? Because when I finally answered the sixth call, wondering what kind of hell had broken loose that the call was SO URGENT, her obnoxious little “Aw shit, Imma callin’ the wrong number” was juuuuuuuuuust enough to send me into the Land of Angry Eyes. And sarcasm.

*Somewhere, out there in Chattanooga, there is a black bear hamster named after me. And I’m not sure whether to laugh or be creeped out by this … or just freakin’ adopt the thing already. I have apparently graduated from stray dog- and cat-catcher to stray hamster-catcher … a landmark achievement, I’m sure.

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When the Clock Strikes Twelve

I think about her, because she isn’t home yet. I hope she’s safe; I worry she’ll be pushed into something she’s not ready for. I hope Hot Guy has standards as well as good looks; I suspect I know better.

But I still hope he doesn’t break her heart.

And I wonder why it’s her big sister waiting up for her tonight, and not her parents.

[Comments off. Too much think up around here right now.]

Comments off

And then it snowed

Given that I live in the South and thus very rarely ever see snow, it has always struck me as a deep breath, a reset button for the moment, when nature sees fit to grace us with the phenomenon. And after watching the recent news coverage with a truly unhealthy envy of practically everyone further north, I was thrilled when, long about 1pm today, Georgia’s share of the oh-so-inconvenient weather finally arrived. Truly, I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about snow, even as a child.

I guess it’s just that the silence of snow has yet to lose its power over me. And maybe that’s just because no one in Georgia knows how to deal with the stuff, so we all hole up and wait it out until the temperatures rise … but whatever the reason, snowstorms always invoke such an intense sense of quiet around here, and I love nothing more than to be standing right, smack-dab in the center of it. So with nowhere to go and nothing better to do this afternoon, I dressed the dogs in their coats and we all took a walk.

The neighborhood was utterly still, and as we went along, the only sound was that eerie, hushed whisper of the snow falling, coupled with my own slurred footfalls that blended so easily with the sound of eight paws padding their way through the slush. The distant shriek of delight from a child across the neighborhood broke the peace occasionally, but even that faded effortlessly into the background of “sounds meant to accompany a snowfall.” It was church-service quiet, and the silence stirred up in me the long-forgotten childhood urge to let out a solid, gleeful whoop, just to see what the congregation would do if I dared shatter the sense of reverence. But of course, just as I’ve always done, obedient in my place in the pew, I swallowed the sound begging to escape and simply grinned at the temptation, energized in equal parts by the inescapable sense of calm and the striking lack of noise.

On a whim, I turned and looked back when we had reached the top of the street, and I had to smile a little at the scene. Because all that marred the perfectly even covering of snow on the pavement was a single set of footprints, trailing alongside two sets of perfectly formed paw prints. And for those few moments, it was just the three of us and all the power of winter, completely alone and uninhibited.

It was perfection. It was just the way it should be. And it was beautiful, in its own awkward little way.

Aaaaand the reaction, once they figured out that the snow was NOT punishment...

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On Two Years

It’s been two years since I first walked into her office, with the smiling, professional side of me fully engaged and (so I hoped) masking the severity of the problems. I waited agreeably in the waiting room, making good eye contact with the receptionist, smiling, holding myself with proper posture, and radiating sweetness—if only as a defense mechanism. I was nineteen, and scared half out of my mind.

The door was borderline-flung open, and my new therapist entered the waiting room with about as much speed. She leaned back on the door slightly, looking somewhat breathless as she smiled and called my name. And so it began.

No other mental health professional had been able to keep me in their office beyond a few months. Nobody else had fit. Nobody else had been able to elicit a knee-jerk reaction to the question of past sexual abuse from the very first meeting … and certainly, nobody else had respected and cared about me enough to say, “You know what, let’s back up. We don’t need to talk about this right now. Not until you’re ready. And if you’re ready with someone other than me, that’s okay too. I’m just going to follow your lead on this one.”

No one else dared “joke” about my food issues with me during the evaluation, taking note of and ultimately engaging in my sense of self-deprecating humor. Frankly, I was thrilled that she did. Thrilled.

And seriously, two years into this stuff, the Psych Spectacular deserves a medal. Not just for standing beside me while I grappled with every demon I could possibly summon from my past, every darkest detail from childhood that I could throw at her. (And trust me, I found the oddest ways to reach her—when words wouldn’t come, I snail-mailed letters … and then relied on the safety of emails … and then cited lyrics. And she accepted them all, without fail). But no, not just for that.

But for creating an unfailingly safe place for me, even when it meant taking me with her after she left the center at which we originally began. For proving to me that caring about someone does not equal being taken advantage of. For showing me that hugs are not dangerous or things to be punished over (this in particular, is huge. Huge). For letting me know that coming into session and talking about dog rescue and my latest taste in music is just as important and just as “okay,” therapeutically speaking, as talking about the tough stuff. For reiterating time and time again that it was not my fault and I’m not some twisted, perverted freak of nature because of what happened to me. For respecting me so much that when she messed up and told a little white lie (as she is, after all, only human … damn it) and I caught her in it, she gave me the option to walk away from her if I wanted. She had apologized, explained why she did what she did, and acknowledged a thousand times over that it was wrong, as I paced the side yard outside and tried to sort it all out … but when I needed a few weeks to myself to deal with what had happened and all of the flashbacky bullshit that it stirred up in me, she told me it was okay to leave.

And for showing me that “the water is fine, come on in,” with her own openness and self-disclosure.

Guys, seriously, she is one of those once-in-a-lifetime psychs that you know you’d keep seeing even if all of your so-called demons had been worked out. Just because you want her on your side while you deal with this thing called “life.”

I realized recently that nothing – truly, nothing with a capital N – is off limits in session. It is actually quite an amazing realization. And when she starts a sentence with a grin and, “Don’t put this on your blog, okay?” … well, I know I’m exactly where I belong.

She’s one of only three or four people that I know in the real world who knows exactly how bad things were as a child. She is also one of the precious few people I know in real life who have the URL to this blog. And after poking around it once (or twice, I don’t know … nor do I really care), she demonstrated her commitment to being foremost a therapist and second an ally, by telling me she felt it blurred the lines too much for her to read here, so she’d let it alone. Whether or not she still does is not of my concern; I don’t post that which I won’t later stand behind. But that she would know herself that well and hold such a dedication to our work to recognize what might ultimately complicate it spoke worlds to me. Worlds.

Tonight, we set off her alarm when we opened the front door, and though I almost offered to go back outside while she spoke to the security company, she didn’t hesitate to offer up that word while I sat on the other end of the couch. Granted, I knew it’d never leave my mouth, but that she trusted that it wouldn’t? Wow. Okay, then. And later, she took a page from my book and used dog rescue analogies to get through to me when I had shut her out and lapsed into feelings of failing and worthlessness over the whole stupid school situation.

Point is, she gets me. And she gets how to get to me, even when she may well think she’s not getting anywhere at all. I’ve used dog analogies to explain myself since almost the beginning, likening myself to a feral or comparing myself to a particular rescue case I had worked with previously when I couldn’t otherwise find the “human” equivalent to explain. And the fact that she took a chance and turned my own way of thinking on me tonight was huge. And for my defensive little self, it also worked—flawlessly.

It’s funny but earlier, I reread my journal entry from the day I met her and I still giggle at the bits of conversation that I wrote down then. Because really? It hasn’t changed. At all.

It still fits.

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Yeah, what SHE said

I effing love it when I rediscover old favorites right when I need them. Hello, lyrical library to the rescue once again. In case there was any question, I am totally right here, right now. Exactly why is absolutely beyond me but if I were ever going to play off of the pit bull’s bad image and numbskull “locking jaw” wives’ tales, I would totally make some comparison to my whole refusing-to-let-go stubbornness and determination right about now. Which I kinda just did, so there ya have it, folks and funnybones. And said stubborness and determination are kinda springing up outta nowhere, but you know, I can’t say that I don’t like it.  We are (strike that, I am, as the dogs’ opinions don’t count for much outside of the toy aisle at Petco) picking up the pieces here, planning the next step, and cementing a way to get the hell outta dodge. And until that happens, mishaps and misjudgments aside, this sums me up curiously well.

Hand in My Pocket, Alanis Morissette

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful, baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry, baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite all right
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly, baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chickenshit
I’m sick but I’m pretty, baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to, my friends
Is that everything’s just fine, fine, fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

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Onwards and upwards

Last night, I read 2009 its last rites and at midnight, buried it beneath a mound of equal parts heartache and hope. I honored its losses and counted its triumphs (no matter how small), nodded to the doors that had closed, and raised a toast to those now opening in their places. In good company, I gave it a send-off to rival those of all the years past put together.

And this morning, with clouded sunlight leaking through the blinds, I woke up in the arms of someone I love, rolled over, and thought that this really wasn’t such a bad way to begin a new year. Back at home now, wrapped in a bathrobe and sorting through the pictures from 2009’s going-away party, I still stand by that sentiment. It’s going to be a good year.

I’ve opted not to reflect much on 2009 here. But to deny the past is to also discount its lessons, and as the self-assured highs and the bitter lows of the last 365 days come crashing back, I’m overwhelmed with something I can’t quite place my finger on. Something almost like defiance.

Because some of the dust has settled now and some of the smoke has cleared, and I’m still standing. So rest in peace, 2009. It was a hell of a ride.

Here’s to the other side.

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In which I am owned by North Carolina

As a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, I am currently failing to understand what lesson is to be learned from today. Originally, it wasn’t supposed to be so complicated.

The plans were made around the fact that I turn 21 on Sunday, but will be working all day and no one will be around afterward to go out for any festivities. Plus, with an 8:30 class on Monday morning, the stereotypical “overindulgence in alcohol in the company of friends” thing isn’t such a hot idea. Damn being responsible. So, as Friday is my day off, I set up a grand adventure for myself today instead – a hot air balloon over the sunrise in NC, followed by a leisurely lunch and a two hour trail ride in the mountains. I didn’t post about it because I have an unimpressive track record when it comes to weather-dependent activities and figured it best not to jinx myself. Yes, well.

The fact that the balloon was scheduled for sunrise meant hitting the road at a painfully early hour, but at the time it just added to the adventure. So I rolled out in sleepy cheerfulness, armed with coffee and an iPod full of irresistably happy tunes. For several hours, it was just my trusty little Accord keeping pace with the big rigs as we made our way to the state lines.

I hit South Carolina, and eventually, North Carolina, all with little traffic and a comfortable amount of time to spare. I was just a few exits from my destination and things were going smoothly … until I felt the jerk, the lurch, and then heard the most ungodly scraping sound issuing from the rear of my car. Fearing the whole rear bumper had spontaneously decided to abandon ship and was preparing a theatrical farewell (there was absolutely no rational basis for this fear, btw), I hit the hazards, made a careful lane shift, and exited the freeway.

Unfortunately, I apparently picked the one exit that led directly to industrial seclusion and to what looked like the perfect setting for my own, real life episode of Gangland. For the entire stretch of road, between the factories and warehouses, there was only one dingy orange street light. But dude, my car was about to disassemble itself, remember? So I pulled under the one hazy light and stepped out to survey the damage – only a mangled tire. Okay, well, that’s not hopeless, right? Right. No biggie.

I reached for my phone only to discover that not only had I picked the one exit that led to Creepy Warehouseville, I’d also managed to land in a stretch where my phone couldn’t get service. It was at this point that I wrote off the morning’s plans, realized I was slightly screwed, and proceeded to calmly, collectedly … freak the fuck out. It was 7:30 in the morning, the sun wasn’t up yet, I didn’t have cell phone reception (thus no GPS either), had no idea where I was (except that it was Sketchy Town), and obviously, no one else knew where I was, either.

Since there was no way in hell I was staying in the shadowy parking lot, I did the only thing I could think to do: I got back in the car, fired her up, and hobbled down the road in search of human life, with the blown tire grating in protest all the way. Afraid of pushing my luck too far, I pulled into the first somewhat inhabited-looking lot that I could find, and made for the brightly lit office nestled between several loading docks. The older gentleman inside was (fortunately) extremely kind and helpful, and ushered me to his desk.

“Of course, young lady, come right on in here and there’s a phone right there on that desk with your name on it. You just do whatever you need to do, and don’t worry about a thing.”

Naturally, I reached only voicemail after voicemail after voicemail after voicemail. I finally got a hold of my older sister, and she got me straightened out with our roadside assistance benefits, so help was called for and on the way soon after.

After the tire was changed out, and a replacement purchased in town, I proceeded to get lost as hell on someone’s directions not once, not twice, but three times. Ultimately, I decided that screw it, I was falling back on the people I knew, so I stopped at an animal hospital. Good choice – I was met with desperately needed coffee and equally desperately needed directions. Sure, the directions may have involved phrases like “you go that way a ways” and “pass a sign that says …”, but they also included a tip about recognizing the exit I needed, despite it being unmarked. And with that little gem of information, voila!, I was homeward bound.

So, moral of the story. Blown tire + dark side-streets + no cell phone reception + no GPS + scratched birthday plans = rather exhausted, slightly shook-up Inky. And the best part? I’m doing it over again next week, weather-permitting. So there, North Carolina … so there. In the meantime, I suppose I should hunt down something to do this weekend that might mark the occasion of turning 21…but bah, fucking last minute planning.

As a random, bonus side-thought, do you know what’s really weird about all of this? I’ve been compulsively inspecting my tires for like, the last three months (much to my father’s aggravation). I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up, despite all evidence (and professional opinion) to the contrary. Even weirder, I had a dream a few weeks ago about having a flat on a dark highway somewhere out of state. It was a different highway than the one I was on this morning, but in the dream, it was a trucker that helped with the tire then, too. Just strange. Cue the Twilight Zone music, I guess…

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We sleep all, sleep all day

I was to meet her that morning for coffee, conversation, and time out and about in Athens. However, the drama of the week took over in spite of my good intentions, and the plan never materialized. I call in my apologies to her, the day out is rescheduled, and as the ensuing conversation with her winds down, she mentions that she, for one, is going to take a nap. Shortly after, I find myself following suit.

I wake up late in the afternoon, hungover from sleep but feeling as if the residual weight of the week has finally been lifted from my shoulders. I wake under a new comforter and throw set, a comforter I couldn’t really afford to splurge on but couldn’t really afford to put off any longer, either. Sleeping under a single, thinning blanket with a half-mangled pillow had taken toll enough on my self-worth for the week, and I all but choked on the self-empowering cliches I had attempted to shove down my own throat the day before, uttered in justification of the purchase. Bleary-eyed, I still scoff at the bullshit now, but have to admit that I do like the comforter. I like it a lot.

Snuggled into the thickness of the blankets, I doze in between lazily read chapters of a book chronicling women’s indepedent forays into the world around them. The Psych Spectacular had mentioned the book once, and in preparation for my 21st’s venture out of state, I have gifted myself with the written boost of confidence.

The day gleams grey through the slanted blinds and the room is blissfully close to being free of sound, the silence punctuated only by the purring of a kitten, the creak of occasional footfalls overhead, and the stripped-down melodies unfolding from the CD player across the room. Jason Mraz provides a soothing soundtrack to the afternoon, effortlessly capturing the mood swings of my heart; from hopeful, and cheerfully—even semi-defiantly—independent, to pensively considering a connection now lost. It feels nice to hand the feelings over to him for a little while.

There are two brindle dogs and four grey kittens sprawled comfortably across the bed, all of them touching in some way. By contrast, Juliet is curled up alone on the nightstand, as if she knows that with the orange and white patches worked into her otherwise grey coat, she doesn’t quite fit into the picture. I know the feeling, and know also that once the fosters find their places in homes of their own, we will be left with a picture in which she will fit just fine.

I shift, and Napoleon flicks his tail in lazy acknowledgement of my stirring. One of the kittens bats the tail sleepily, while another—less under the spell of the afternoon—grabs Napoleon’s face in his paws and play-bites the end of his nose. Ever tolerant, the dog rolls over and waits patiently for me to rescue him from the irrepressible kitten’s abuse.

In a mug on a nearby bookshelf, my coffee leaves much to be desired but it’s still warm, and liking its warmth, I drink it anyway. As I do, I think about my earlier conversation with the Other Half’s sister and examine the smile and sense of relief with which I have been left, this only two days after bursting into tears in front of the Psych Spectacular over the mere thought of the Other Half. Today, the smile and the relief have come with a realization, the realization that I may have lost the other half to my unvoiced thoughts, the one-upper of my twisted jokes, and my dog-rescuing partner-in-crime, but I haven’t lost the family I found along the way.

And lazing in the otherwise-dreary afternoon, my heart suddenly doesn’t feel quite as displaced or as homeless anymore.

And he knows it’s time to make a change here / and time to get away
And he knows it’s time for all the wrong reasons / oh, time to end the pain
But he sleep all, we sleep all day / sleep all, we sleep all day over
Why don’t we sleep all, we sleep all day / sleep all, we sleep all day over…


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In which things are going swimmingly, just swimmingly

So, it has been raining. Like, a lot. A lot a lot. Careful what you wish for, I suppose (um, oops?).

Our area was one of the regions affected by the flooding, though our house specifically got by with just a swamped basement, as opposed to those whose entire homes were submerged. By comparison, a flooded basement is nothing to witch about. The only complication? I live in the basement. Or, I did.

Monday morning, after sleeping on the couch upstairs to take care of Mouse throughout the night, I had to go splashing across the basement to get to my room, where I found the dogs and the cats piled up on the bed together like they’d been shipwrecked. They looked utterly miserable, especially since the bed’s “we’ll replace it soon, don’t worry” broken frame meant that the fairly-new, now-sagging mattress that they were huddled upon was also partially soaked. Along with everything else. Holy crap.

Boxes of clothing, photos, journals, miscellaneous paperwork—things never meant to reside permanently in moving boxes but forced to from the complete and total lack of space in the room. All of them, soaked. In hindsight, admitting that they were not going to leave their cardboard homes any time soon and transferring them to file boxes would have been the halfway-intelligent move to make. But obviously, that didn’t help me too much that morning. I grabbed the waterlogged boxes and hoisted them up onto the few dry places handy (hello bookshelves!) according to each one’s importance, then salvaged whatever else was still salvageable. But mainly, I just stared at the scene before me in some shocked, “WTF just happened?” kind of way and occasionally shuffled one foot to make sure the water swirling around my ankles was real. I was hoping that, at 6:30am, I was still asleep and having some meffed up nightmare.

But no. I cleared a space on the half of the bed that was still dry and let the animals move over there for the time being, since there wasn’t a good place anywhere else in the house to keep them just then. And then I left in tears, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, worried about the puppy, feeling like a loser for leaving the animals stranded on the bed, and further convinced that moving home was THE single worst decision I have ever made. Yeah, it was a pretty, pretty sight.

Naturally, as I left, I nearly hit a big black dog standing forlornly at the top of my street in the pounding rain, and I started laughing through the tears as I stopped, because really? How does this even happen? WHO does this? This time, there were shiny, blessed ID tags involved (thank all things holy) and I drove a very soggy Smoky back to his very worried owner on my way to class. The whole thing was just so typical that in thinking about it as I drove, I laughed some more, then cried some more, then realized I was something close to hysterical and debated getting in touch with the Psych Spectacular. Because, c’mon. Something’s gotta give.

Meanwhile, every main route to school was closed. There was a mudslide on 78, and the alternate back roads were either shut down due to the widespread flooding or they were unbearably clogged with traffic. So I got to class thirty minutes late, as did (fortunately for me) half of my classmates, and it was all fine and dandy since the professors were cool about it. But it was also just that much more stress for the morning and I wasn’t particularly appreciative.

Back at home after class, I relocated my stranded animals to various parts of the house, (irreverently) referencing the Hurricane Katrina missions as I moved them out one by one. And then I slowly took my room apart, piece by piece. Paperwork was set out to dry, five trash bags of ruined stuff were hauled out, three loads of waterlogged laundry were run, and a sump-pump was brought in to dry out the place.

At the moment, there are fans running and only a few more bags of ruined crap to drag away. The rain has let up and hopefully, the worst is past. I have relocated to the living room and taken up singing the chorus from Petty’s “Refugee” every time I come home. The whole ordeal is almost funny to me now—almost.

On a brighter note, at least all of the bugs downstairs drowned.

This is from a bridge about two miles from my house. Water rose up into the trees.

This is from a bridge about two miles from the house. The water rose up into the trees.

... waaaaay up into the trees.

... waaaaay up into the trees.

This guy was swimming around in my room before I chased him onto the shallow side.

This guy was swimming around in my room before I chased him onto the shallow side.

The downtown connector. Picture from the AJC.

The downtown connector. Picture from the AJC.

Why I'm not that upset about losing all my crap ... the neighboring Cobb County. Photo from WSBTV.

Why I'm not that upset about losing all of my crap. Rooftops from a Cobb County subdivision. Photo from WSBTV.

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Cue the chaos

So.

My Friday plans with the bestie were apparently ditched in favor of her sleeping all day, my father was in a nasty car accident this morning that ended with him hitting a telephone pole head on and totaling his truck (he is for the most part unharmed somehow, which is how I am able to include this tidbit in my list so casually), Ivan’s cherry eye surgery was canceled again ( … equals added frustration) due to a managerial crisis within the clinic at which it was scheduled, my Labor Day plans of visiting with the above-referenced bestie have been trashed, and today Wal-Mart threw up an unwanted cat in my general direction while I was working. And this after I pushed the Psych Spectacular away for a week so that I can try to process some crap happening on the crazy-head front … yes, good timing, I haz it. All in all, minor drama and nothing to lose one’s mind about. Well, except for the car accident—I think some freaking is allowed there, yes?

But folks, hug your families. Keep your promises. Don’t take advantage of people. And don’t throw your lovely cat away just because she had kittens. Okay? Okay. Then we’ll all live happily ever after … or something.

Back after this …

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